Tuesday, 4 December 2012

The Soul Makes it's Own Family

I remember a college tutor saying one day in class "the soul makes it's own family".

At the time the words she said didn't really mean much to me.  I thought it was a nice idea but all I had at the time was my immediate family(Mother, Father and Grandparents), my boyfriend (now husband) and a handful of gatherings a year with my three cousins, aunt and uncle.
I found it difficult to make and keep friendships, so therefore the idea of my soul making its own family was a pipe dream.
I felt awkward and unnatural mixing with new people.

I wasn't encouraged to mix with people my own age, in fact looking back now as an adult with my own children my mother didn't want me to do this. She never said it but her actions spoke it so loud.
I used to think there was "there is something wrong with me........ why can't I make friends...... why don't I have friends I can play with, meet with and hang around with!!"
My social life was school, (where I got bullied and felt I didn't fit in.  I see now this was down to my lack of social skills, not that there was actually something wrong with me) the rest of my time was spent at home with my parents, with grandparents or out drinking with my uncle who was 9 years older than me.   YES, I began drinking at a very early age........my first "special coke" (vodka and coke) was at the tender and confused age of 8!  And from there it continued, I loved the buzz and as I grew older, began collage, then work alcohol was the only way I could cope with being out socializing; the false confidence it gave felt good but more often than not I'm sure I was a complete idiot.  Really I didn't feel happy or comfortable with any of it.  I remember one time at a family members birthday party, my uncle buying me drink, I managed to drink 10 pints of cider (at the age of 12), needless to say I was in a bad state, yet nothing was said by anyone!  It was all normalized or brushed under the the carpet (which was where everything seemed to be put).
God knows what my liver was / is like with all the abuse it has taken in the past.